From: Joseph Patton
I do a weekly segment of political satire for WAUD 1230 in Auburn. I've included a section on Siegelman for this week's segment. The following is the full script. Enjoy!
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Just when you thought the temperature couldn’t get any worse, I’m bringing a little hot air to the airwaves.
That’s right, folks, it’s time again for "Goat Hill Gossip." This is Joseph Patton from the Capital City Free Press, Alabama’s premier online magazine at Capcityfreepress.com. That’s Capcityfreepress.com.
In response to Judge Mark Fuller’s sentence of multiple lifetimes in prison and daily Chinese water torture for former Governor Don Siegelman who was convicted of multiple felony counts of being a Democrat in the state of Alabama, the Alabama Democratic Party is turning the tables on the sitting governor, Republican Bob Riley.
In an op-ed piece written for the Press-Register of Mobile, state party chairman Joe Turnham argues that Siegelman’s wrongdoing is no different than Riley’s campaign receiving funds from convicted lobbyist and former Riley aide Michael Scanlon. Scanlon has pled guilty to conspiring to bribe a member of Congress and other public officials. Turnham says the money was funneled from casino interest through the state Republican Party to the 2002 Riley campaign. And… how does Governor Riley feel about PAC-to-PAC transfers again?
Turnham also notes the $300,000 PAC gift to the ‘06 Riley campaign from investors of the newly formed Hudson Alpha Institute, which, you guessed it, received millions of dollars from the State of Alabama for a biotech operation in Hunstsville.
Despite all the facts and figures Turnham is tossing around, he should be reminded that any politician who can first win election by making votes magically appear in Mobile County on the THIRD tally, then four years later gives his opponent a stroke, will remain governor as long as he darn well feels like it.
And in related Siegelman witch trial news, Fuller ruled yesterday that Siegelman does not have to pay
$181,325 in restitution he had just ordered a week prior. Fuller explained that the amount was based on a charge Siegelman had already been acquitted of.
I suppose the best way to describe the gratuitous error would be your credit card statement revealing that you were charged 10 grand for that pizza you ordered during the last ball game. Did you think people wouldn’t notice, Slick? Even George W. Bush’s math isn’t THAT bad.
And speaking of big bucks, the state of Alabama has yet again landed itself as the 50th state in terms of the amount of sales and local taxes collected per person. The latest report shows that Alabama collected
$2,569 from state, county and local taxes in fiscal year 2005. The national median for ‘05 was $3,387.
Though some may scoff at our low tax receipts, I say we should stand proudly--peering out over our schools with crumbling walls, streets riddled with potholes and police officers chasing criminals with go-karts--and take pride in our low, low taxes.

And of course what few dollars we do forfeit to our various levels of government are now being diverted to pay Nick Sabin’s salary anyway.
And in news which certainly qualifies as bizarre, a Kansas City golf course is missing almost 5,000 golf balls. The balls are fluorescent yellow and were all swiped some time Sunday night from the range. Though local police have made no arrests and don’t even have any leads in the case, our investigator reporter from the Capital City Free Press is on top of the mysterious theft. Her current theory concerning the culprit even has a political twist. She believes the perpetrators can be found at the highest level of government no less--Congress in fact--since the Democrats have clearly been missing their balls since taking power last year.
Also in in our nation’s capitol, President Bush has directed former White House aides to defy congressional subpoenas, citing presidential privilege. The orders were issued as part of an investigation into the administration’s domestic spying program. The defiant act is leading some in Congress to consider issuing contempt citations, an action not taken since Ronald Reagan was president.
When asked for comment, Bush angrily pounded the podium in the White House briefing room, exclaiming:
"But… but… Dick Cheney told me I could use my super-duper presidentiacal powers, gosh darnnit!"
Cheney of course could not be reached for comment as he is again hunkered down in an undisclosed location where he runs his new mysterious fourth branch of government and is completing work on the Death Star.
And in less serious news, the much-lauded Redneck Games just held its 12th annual gathering this weekend. In East Dublin, Georgia, crowds came from far, wide and trailer parks in general to participate in events such as the Mud Pit Belly Flop, Redneck Horseshoes in which the participants toss toilet seats, Watermelon Seed Spitting and Bobbin’ for Pig’s Feet.
An Associated Press reporter interviewed one August, Georgia man who attends very year. Tom Curry said, "Coming here is our roots. And it’s the best day of the summer. Everybody’s friendly and everybody’s family." Well yeah, Tom, when inbreeding is involved, everyone IS in fact family.
And before they try and burn my office down again, I’m tuning out. Be sure and direct your internet browser to Capcityfreepress.com. That’s Capcityfreepress.com for a scathing looking at the search for Osama bin Laden by Managing Editor Josh Carples and my open letter to Ann Coulter
This is Joseph Patton from the Capital City Free Press signing off. Talk to you to next week!